Autism Acceptance: Day 11
TL/DR: I am not only an Autism Dad, but I am an Autistic Husband. This comes with its own challenges and difficulties. But my wife has been my guiding light throughout our 26 years of marriage.
So, I meant to post this on Tuesday, 4/9, but we went out as a family and I had no access to the internet. Then, I meant to open my computer to write this on Wednesday, but I ended up driving my kids all over the place (a first Bass Guitar lesson, McDonalds, my oldest to pet sit, etc.) while my wife was at work. So, here it is, Thursday, 4/11, and I’ve missed the past two posts that I wanted to make.
HOWEVER this all fits into the next aspect of my life of autism acceptance, as a husband on the spectrum.
My journey to this part of my life started when I was in Middle School. I saw lots of my peers pairing up with others, and wondered what was so special about the opposite sex. (As an aside - there’s a reason that Autism was once labelled Pervasive Developmental Delay - because socially, those on the spectrum usually are developmentally delayed - my closest friends were 2-3 years younger than me). So, I went through my days in 7th and 8th grade being in my own world, one of rockets, dinosaurs and vampires. Then, in 8th grade, Challenger blew up 101 seconds into its launch, killing Christa McCauliffe. So, what did I do? I went home and watched news coverage of it. I didn’t share this interest with anyone, and when the news coverage ended, I went to read my book (which was Stephen King’s IT).
Over the next four years in high school, I discovered that most girls were emotional and always wanted to talk about their feelings. This was NOT for me! I wanted to talk about math and science, Star Trek and Jurassic Park. So, I never really talked to the opposite sex. But, I did have some female friends, and I was always there for when they needed something, or just someone to talk to. I once asked one of these friends out, and she declined (in the nicest way possible). However, we stayed friends. I was there for her through four different boyfriends (one of which decided that he liked other boys immediately after dating her). So, it wasn’t meant to be…
In college, I had a little better luck with females. The summer before my freshman year, I was working at a department store as a head cashier, and one of my coworkers was the switchboard operator. One day, she came up to me and we started chatting. I mentioned that she looked really nice that day, and she replied that she had dressed up to get someone’s attention.
“Well,” I said, “ has it worked?”
“No,” she said.
“Do you think it will?”
“I don’t know” she replied.
“Well, it may work if you slap him upside the head,” I said jokingly.
“No, I don’t think you’d notice even then……” And she proceeded to walk away.
Now, this might be a clear signal for most normal people, but I am NOT a normal person. It took me a good 3 hours to realize what she was saying, and by then, she had left for the day.
This was typical for me in my life. I don’t get most things that others people just click on. I have my own little world, and nothing outside really affects me in that bubble. We ended up dating for the rest of the summer, and in October, she called me and asked me to come over. When I got there, I could tell she had been crying (only because her mascara was running, not because I really had a clue...). I tried to comfort her, but she didn’t want to be comforted. She gave me some of my stuff I had lent her, and a letter to read “…after you get home.” Needless to say, I was curious, but promised her that I would wait until I got home. (That’s another thing about being on the spectrum - I see the world in black and white - so I try to do what I say). In this case, I lasted to the end of the street. I pulled into a parking lot and opened the letter. Guess what it was…
Yup - she was breaking up with me. My first real relationship lasted 4 months. I called her as soon as I got home, and she was crying over the phone about how she needed her space, and her senior year in school was going to be busy, and she didn’t have time for a relationship. So, what do you think I did? Get upset - Nope. Tell her to get over it - Nope. I tried to convince her that everything would be ok and that I wasn’t upset. I went to my room and read my horror stories. Later that night, I woke up at 2:30AM and decided to watch Return of the Jedi. That’s when I finally broke down. She called me the next day and said that she wanted to talk to me and to come over. Well, I did, and she swore that she never really wanted to break up with me, that it was her parents that suggested it and her friend agreed. She said she missed me and wanted to get back together. (Too bad Taylor Swift wasn’t singing her songs - I might have spared myself the next breakup the following day…)
So, I was single again, and decided to stay that way. That lasted a few months, but in the spring, I got a call from my friend from high school. She was having a tough time and her boyfriend ended up in prison (the same girl that I had asked out in high school - she had the WORST taste in men!), so she asked me to get her and go to the mall shopping with her. She wanted to go into all these clothing stores and try on lingerie for me - I refused to go into those stores with her, and instead spent my time at the bookstore while she shopped. However, bringing her back to her dorm at the all-girls college she was attending, she invited me into her dorm, and it was there that I met her roommate. This girl had the most amazing eyes, and I was smitten. But, my autism got in the way, and other than introducing myself, I didn’t say too much to her.
Well, I called my friend and she brought up her roommate. “I think she’s pretty,” I told her.
“Why don’t you speak to her?”
“No, I can’t do………..”
The next thing I knew, she was on the phone and we were having a nice conversation. She was understanding, laughed at my jokes, and I could hear her smiling through her voice. I finally asked if she would like to get dinner with me the following weekend, and she said yes. We were both Sophomores in college, and when I got there to pick her up, she looked really nice. So, me being broke, we went out to…TACO BELL!
The fact that the choice of eatery didn’t frighten her away was amazing! We drove to a local park and watched the lights of the city while just having some nice conversation. I drove her back to her dorm, and escorted her to the door. It was after the hours when males were allowed in the dorms, so I left her at the door and drove home. I found out later that week that I had been accepted into the Walt Disney World College Program and would be 1000 miles away from Connecticut for the next semester. So we decided to just be friends and keep in touch for the next few months. She went home to Rhode Island for Winter Break, and I left for sunny Florida. I did travel to her home over the break to exchange Christmas gifts, and on January 2nd, I boarded the train to Florida…
Long Story Short - I ended up marrying her five years later, and she hasn’t left me yet…We have had a lot of ups and downs, but we’re still together after 31 years. We have helped each other mature, and have had our arguments. But, I can’t imagine my life without her. We have two wonderful kids, and have had our share of difficulties. But I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world.
References: Autism & Marriage; Aspie Spouses; Make your Relationship Work; Adult Autism & Relationships; A letter from a wife to her Autistic Husband
Learning so much from you here. Such important writing. Thank you so much.